Another life

I'm totally thrilled about being pregnant again. As alien-like as it sounds, i enjoy the sensation of this little human squirm around inside of me. But pregnancy is also such a scary time. It reminds me of my limitations. I can't walk very fast without gasping for breath. I can't feel safe to protect myself and Avalon when we're faced with any type of threat. Because my fitness and stamina are so limited.

Ultimately, I think pregnancy makes me a more conservative person. Someone who won't take that chance to go out for the stroll alone at dawn on Saturday morning like I used to in Newtown to get to work at the bakery. Someone who is constantly assessing her surroundings and bypassing the smoking group of teenagers instead of walking past, just in case. It's scary being this scared. Because it's not a decision, it's innate. As though something primal reminds me continually of the life I bear and the other life that can't defend itself that sits up happily in the stroller. The protective thoughts that go through my head now I'm a mother are so foreign to how I would behave before.

A year and a half ago, I would feel confident that I could take on anything and anyone, and come out pretty unscathed. I was a resourceful and independent woman, quite capable of protecting herself from at least one nasty person on the streets. But now, the thought of being attacked with a baby in the belly and a child on one hip, sends me chills. 

I wonder if once my child nurturing years are behind me, I will once again return to the person I formally knew. My guess is that now I've experienced being someone's entire world, that responsibility will continue to shape my behaviour, even after the kids have families of their own. You always hear that motherhood will change your life. I never heard that motherhood would change your personality.