Reminiscing

You're going to laugh at what I'm about to say (or write). I know it. Because it's stupid. That's how I know that at least you'll scoff a little. Some form of breath will leave your lips. I'll almost bet on it.

So here's my news.

I want to be pregnant again.

There. I said it.

Response? I know, I'm stupid. Totally stupid. But let me be more nuanced. I want to be pregnant again, but I don't want a baby =)

That is, that I loved both times how exciting it was to have a baby inside of me. To wear moo moos had I wanted and to not be judged. If I wore a moo moo now, people would just say "well, she's really let herself go, hasn't she?" Which would most likely be the truth anyway (chortle).

It was when Avalon was the age that Willow is at now that Craig and I said to eachother, "yeah, let's have another one!"

Except that Avalon was pretty much what I imagined in my naive youth that having a child would be like. She slept brilliantly from 7pm till 10 for a quick snack, then usually slept again till 7.30am the following day. Sure, she had her moments of teething and sickness which changed that routine, but by and large, we didn't even know we had a child at night she was so settled.

On the other hand, our second daughter Willow has been much more normal. She wakes more often, feeds like a newborn still (at 5 months) and is generally the type of sleep-depriving child that most new mothers talk about. Don't get me wrong. She still sleeps better than some babies. She doesn't wake up and want to play at 3am or anything, but she still wakes, and fusses continually throughout the dark hours.

So my feelings towards pregnancy are completely stupid. I feel overwhelmed as it is. I really don't want another child yet, but for some reason, my body does. Where's the logic in it? I don't know. The depths of the heart are too vast to understand.

I'm hoping it's because, overwhelming-ness aside, I really love being a Mum. I'm hoping that this is just what's buried beneath the blurry eyes and the dark circles. Because in my day, there's not a great deal of time to think about such things. Of anything of the future, really. Because today is so now. Today is so overwhelming. And today has so many things to do in it.

But regardless, the thought came through my mind today. I'd love to be pregnant again. To be hanging up the washing on the line and catch a glimpse of my big belly shadowed on the grass beneath me.

But I know that for my own sake, and for Avalon and Willow, it'd be better to have a Mum in her right mind than loads of brothers and sisters and Mum in an asylum for the insane.