The joy of motherhood

Tonight I am tangibly filled with such a deep love for my daughter, Avalon. She touched my heart.

After crying for a little while, I decided to go see what the problem was because she hadn't settled herself back into sleep.

As I walked in she said "mumm." and then sat down.

My heart totally melted right there in the darkened room. To be called Mum by my own daughter for the first time was a special moment. She grabbed my hand as I lay her down to sleep and she held it against her cheek for a little while. Then sighed as if she just wanted to see me again, and turned her head to sleep.

I would do anything for her. Anything.

My thoughts go out to those pierced by the curse of this world. To those who have lost children. Either early or later in life. Their grief must be unbearable. And of course, the moment made me think of how high and wide God's love is for us. His own son, pierced for our wrongs. The only way to bring us together with our heavenly father eternally. So we aren't lost forever. What an admirable God! My love for him expands with each new experience of life as I understand him more.

The loss of an exceptional day…

 

Do you ever have an exceptional day? One of those days when your brain is working properly, and you feel inspired and like you could solve the worlds’ energy crisis with the power of your mind?

This is one of those days for me. Sadly, I know that in less than 15 minutes, my 8 month old daughter will awake, refreshed from a heavenly daytime sleep and require all of my energy to entertain her little growing mind. Here are some things I will not do this afternoon;

1. Solve the world energy crisis with an inspired regenerable energy source
2. Write a paper outlining exactly how the energy crisis will be solved
3. Ring up a parliamentary member with my idea and convincing them of said idea

 

Instead, I am aware that this rare day of brilliance will instead be filled with the following;

1. Dishes
2. Singing as many nursery rhymes as I can recall
3. Wrapping poo up in supposedly biodegradable (at some point in time) nappies
4. Possibly taking a crying child for a walk in the frickin’ freezing cold and picking up some more milk for when Craig returns from a conference, keen for a decent coffee tonight
5. Bathing a baby who has only been indoors all day and has still managed to get onto her hands and face every piece of filth in my house

In a sense, I’m relieved. Maybe I would have solved a part of the world’s energy crisis this afternoon (lets face it- it was a long shot) And it means that all this brilliance cannot be used on anything most people would see as worthwhile and brilliant. But, instead, it’s surrendered to helping someone else become brilliant. And I’m coming to accept that, no matter how frustrating it can be, becoming a mother truly must make you a better person.

This leaves me with two options- I could hate it and struggle through it and fight it every step of the way or accept it early and learn to love the sacrifice. And when I look to the cross of my saviour, I see my sacrifice really isn't that much of one anyway.

Addicted to Aussiemerican

I’m totally addicted. It’s a beautiful blend of flavour from both cultures. You can eat it as a snack, or go for the full breakfast meal. Many will scoff, but I say it’s the tastiest thing since… the invention of gravy chips by Hamish and Andy.

I’m talking bout Vege-bagel. The concoction sweeping the country (or the Hamilton household) with a vengeance. Like a well structured Tarantino movie, this tasty morsel leaves you wanting more.

You start with a pack of plain (not sesame) bakehouse bagels (or the like), toast to perfection and then add liberal amounts of butter (NOT margarine- this’ll kill it) and the beer-aftermath vegemite. It’ll literally blow your mind.

You’re probably thinking, “so what. I bet that just tastes like vegemite on toast. And that’s nothing revolutionary, Nik.” I beg to differ. Let me tease it out for you. (Heck, I have the time.)

As a cooking connoiser, I take into account the subtle blend of flavours on the palate. This dish combines a heaftier amount of palate-soothing carbohydrates than even a thick slice of toast to compliment the Australian creation of beer residue (vegemite).

It’s precisely these satisfying proportions which makes this particular aussiemerican delight so alluring. (Note Aussie goes first- it’s only fair. As Driscoll pointed out, channel 7’s coverage of the Olympics showed no other country winning as much as Australia. Oi Oi Oi)

Furthermore, a slice of toast is almost cold as soon as you finish condimenting it (adding the condiments to those advese to self word creation). The bagel on the other hand, will hold it’s heat well till the end of the last bite. A far superior substitute to toast.

Thank you for reading about the culture blend of the century. This is 4 minutes of your life which you’ll never get back. But  don’t blame me, I didn’t make you read it. You went into this of your own volition. So I have no sympathy in my pocket for you. But I may have a few pre-chewed rusks if you're interested.

My journey for doctrine lovin'

Doctrine.

 

Huh?

 

I’ll let you in on a secret. When I heard this word my mind would switch off. Not because the concepts were difficult to grasp (although sometimes they were) and not because exploring these thoughts made me feel small (although they often did). But singularly, because inside the tiny brain I call my own, I thought that doctrine and boring went together like macaroni and cheese.

It took me a long time and many ‘boring’ conversations later until God changed my heart to his Doctrine. The pivotal moment was when I heard that doctrine means ‘knowledge of God!’ And if the God of the world has made his knowledge of himself available to me, how is this in any way boring? He has obviously given me a mind. I can think (most of the time). I can conceptualise and create. I can understand. If I choose to. If I care.

I was in the territory of turning to my own way. And what would stop me? Where would the knowledge come from to straighten that crooked path? I’m thoroughly ashamed of my thoughts.

Believing that doctrine was not worthy of my energy was fundamentally ignorant. I’ve never thought that ignorance could define my spiritual life. But it did and probably still does in other unenlightened depths of my heart where I unknowingly cradle sin. If anything, knowing God should have got me trembling in my FMB’s. Sin is fuelled by ignorance.

To write plainly, the thoughts I held towards knowing the one true God were dangerous. Thankfully, God forgives readily and he kept my heart from straying through conversations with my godly and knowledgeable husband and more significantly, God’s holy spirit who is one with me.

 

Think about this- God has sacrificed himself completely to know me (a loser), and I can’t even be bothered to start the difficult process in understanding Him (a genius). I struggle to put into words how profoundly disturbing that is. I’m sitting here typing, thinking, “This doesn’t even start to explain the grief I feel about this sin in my heart.” 

Let me try harder. The pain is deep and heavy. It makes me take shorter breaths. The feeling is weighty and deeply significant.

 

I think Isaiah 56 talks about me. It prophesies straight into my life. God’s spirit has shaped my thinking and now I refuse to believe the lie I once, without scrutiny, held to be true.

 

So here’s the reality. GOD IS NOT BORING!

Thankfully, he set my heart on a path of WANTING to know him, and through immersing myself in his glorious-ness, I desired to know more.

And the second more provoking truth. Doctrine is for EVERY believer. (2 Timothy 3:15) This means I can't just pretend that knowing about God is for the leaders of our Church, or just for the Arch, maybe. I have to confront this truth head on and accept that I may have to do some hard work. I may have to read the bible. I may have to ponder God's words so they mean something to me rather than reading his words once, assuming if I don't get it first go, then it can't be that important.

  And of course, as we stand before the Holy, unblemished lamb- we are all losers. (Romans 3:23) So it's been made clear. I'm nothing. He's everything. Why am I still failing to see the significance of this? My Lord requires my mind along with everything else in my life. I can't imagine my relationship with my best friend surviving for very long if I didn't really listen to what she was saying to me. Why should it be any different in this friendship? He's astronomically more valuable to me, and my actions should show this.

Doctrine is what tells me that God is good. That man needs a deliverer. That salvation is at hand. That the Lord has completed the task of liberating me from all my wrongs through the one act of heartwrenching sacrifice. That God is completely worth my energy and efforts to understand him.

I refuse to be “blind”. I refuse to “lack understanding”. I will strive to see God as incredibly valuable. I will fight to remember these truths, because my heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. (Jeremiah 17:9) I’ve got the Lord’s words for my life in the bible to direct me and to make me wise for salvation through faith in Jesus.

 

The Lord is found in doctrine. And therefore salvation is found through doctrine. 

I'm now a firm believer that doctrine is for losers. Of which I am the greatest.