Sin starts early

I've been convinced over my life that sin is found in us from birth. We enter into sin and it becomes one with our thoughts and hearts.

So I'm not ultra surprised when I see Avalon's impatience break out. Now that her mind is developing sounds to communicate these thoughts, Craig and I have been bombarded with many angry grunts a day. Grunts when she's sick of waiting for her food (it takes all of 15 seconds, but 15 seconds too long), grunts when we say "no" and close a poisons cabinet that she's just opened (we're working on building up her immunity to pestisides and cleaning products), grunts about anything she finds dissatisfying. Really, angry grunt about many things she dislikes in the day, the regular one being nappy change time.

It's good to see this, I think, because as we get older, we get cleverer about hiding our sin. Clever thoughts may try to persuade you- "I wouldn't say that I'm evil,  I'd be happier with you saying that parts of me are evil, or that parts of me are swayed by evil, but I'm not evil from my own volition. Evil is something that's done to me, that corrupts the good in me. After all, God made me in his image. So deep down, I must be good." And as soon as you've finished the thought, you hear it as if someone's said it to you. And then you realise how stupidly sinful you are. 

We can't even think properly, we're so sinful. I'm sure most  (if not all) of my thoughts are incorrect, or if not incorrect, then definitely driven by evil motives. The more I see sin, the more I see that Jesus was the only way to free us. 

As a younger Christian, I thought God may have overshot the sacrifice. Surely enough spotless goats would do it. Or maybe if we gave him grainfed beef. But, no. God sacrificing himself makes more and more sense each living day as the effects of evil permeating our very essences is made clearer to me.

Another life

I'm totally thrilled about being pregnant again. As alien-like as it sounds, i enjoy the sensation of this little human squirm around inside of me. But pregnancy is also such a scary time. It reminds me of my limitations. I can't walk very fast without gasping for breath. I can't feel safe to protect myself and Avalon when we're faced with any type of threat. Because my fitness and stamina are so limited.

Ultimately, I think pregnancy makes me a more conservative person. Someone who won't take that chance to go out for the stroll alone at dawn on Saturday morning like I used to in Newtown to get to work at the bakery. Someone who is constantly assessing her surroundings and bypassing the smoking group of teenagers instead of walking past, just in case. It's scary being this scared. Because it's not a decision, it's innate. As though something primal reminds me continually of the life I bear and the other life that can't defend itself that sits up happily in the stroller. The protective thoughts that go through my head now I'm a mother are so foreign to how I would behave before.

A year and a half ago, I would feel confident that I could take on anything and anyone, and come out pretty unscathed. I was a resourceful and independent woman, quite capable of protecting herself from at least one nasty person on the streets. But now, the thought of being attacked with a baby in the belly and a child on one hip, sends me chills. 

I wonder if once my child nurturing years are behind me, I will once again return to the person I formally knew. My guess is that now I've experienced being someone's entire world, that responsibility will continue to shape my behaviour, even after the kids have families of their own. You always hear that motherhood will change your life. I never heard that motherhood would change your personality.