But tonight, in this lovely scene, jealousy reared it's ugly head.
I love my girls, but there are definitely hard parts to rearing them. One of them being Willow's inability to sleep apart from me. She just loves cuddles, and loves to live in my arms. And while I did silently ask God for a cuddly baby, I really had no idea about how limiting this would be for me.
As I spoke to another friend of mine whose little girl was born the week following Willow, I couldn't help but feel a pinch of jealousy. Her baby sleeps from 8pm till the following morning. Incredible!
I think this is incredible anyway. And those of you without children are like "yeah, whatever!" but for me, hearing this was enough to flare up some unrealised feelings.
I have noticed lately that Willow's clingy-ness is starting to take it's toll on me. I do need some form of time alone in my day. I'm realising the necessity of it after having 4 months without it.
So, I found myself tonight, jealous of the mothering experiences of my friends. Stupid really. Because I know that Willow is worth it. She's precious. I'd do anything for her. And yet, I obviously don't love her as much as I probably should. Because if I did, then I'd gladly accept this loss of freedom for as long as she needed me. And I would do it gladly.
I'm thankful that God doesn't parent me in the same way - "You're too clingy, Nik. Get over it! You're a big girl now! Start to be more independent and get on with living on your own. I need more time without you hanging around, demanding of me."
Can you imagine?
It just goes to show that sin just sneaks up on you. I thought things with mothering and sacrifice and all that were going well this week. Then...bam! Nope. Obviously not.
Hmm. I really need to become better at this self-awareness thing.
1 comment:
Don't be too hard on yourself, lovely. It is true that the grass can look greener on the other side, but you're allowed to need just a teensy bit of time out! With Zara approaching the seven month mark, and her clingyness increasing, and her sleeping going downhill (oh, the two hour up stints at ungodly hours... I remember them from Mia, but didn't think I'd get two freaks in a row!)... I'm starting to get a bit worried myself. But for today6, I am coping, so I will not worry yet about tomorrow. God only asks us to handle what we have right now. Nothing more. I think you're doing a great job, for the record!
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